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Children have a right to HEALTHY discipline. That includes consistent healthy time-outs, and consistent healthy TIME-INs too! "103k" 800x600 "151k" 1024x768 |
This is a three foot tall oak tree, shot from directly above it. The moisture is dew. The new pink leaves surprised me. The delicate perfection of this small little fellow was in stark contrast to many of the trees in the area. We were in the middle of the ice storm two winters ago and it's terrible to see how many trees were killed or permanently damaged by the weight of the ice. I found an analogy in all of this. Read on to see if you agree.....
Children, are just as delicate and beautiful as that oak toddler in the wallpaper above. But life destroys some, permanently damages others, while still others flourish. How does that happen? You ever wonder what you can do to help strengthen your children for the trials and tribulations life has to offer? I've got a couple of ideas.
Children have a right to HEALTHY discipline. The reason it's so important for children to learn to enjoy obeying the laws of your home is because you can count on this, if you don't teach your children the meaning of the word no, eventually, our court system will. And how do you teach a kid the meaning of the word "no?" The answer isn't easy, but it is simple. Don't lie to them.
Children have a RIGHT to the truth. (Specifically the truth that makes discipline possible.) I'll never forget it. Laura was seven, Christie was two and they were monster children. My sister Kaye finally got through to me when she said, "When are you going to stop lying to your kids?" I was stunned. "Whatttt? I don't lie to my kids. I don't lie to anyone!"
"Yes you do. You lie to them every day."
"No way! When?"
"Nine out of ten times when you tell them, You do that one more time and you're getting a time-out. You lie to them so much, they never mind you because they never believe you. Then when you do punish them, you're too angry, you're too hateful. It's too intense. It doesn't work for you. It teaches them the easiest way to get your attention is to keep doing the very thing you want them to stop doing. It makes you feel guiltier than before so you let them get away with even more the next time. And it's only hurting the kids. They need consistency. They need to know they can trust you to tell them the truth. They need to experience the healthy harmony of consistent healthy discipline."
She was right. I changed that very day. I'd say, "Honey, I wish you'd quit that." Then a little later, "Christie, that's getting on my nerves." But once I said, "Do it one more time and you're getting your time-out...." They could take it to the bank. Just as sure as the sun is gonna rise every morning, Mama means it when she says, "Do that one more time and...."
Don't let me mislead you. There was no immediate change from monsters to angels. Nope. The first three days were some of the roughest of my life. The fourth day was a blessed relief. They had gotten it. Least that's what I thought till the fifth day and that one was worse than the other three put together. TEST day. I'm not sure how I made it through that one. I guess it was just my determination not to be a liar, especially not to my children. There were other tests along the way, but by then, I was better at their tests. I refused to lie to them.
Say what you mean, mean what you say. Be kind and fair as you can be. Don't tell little sister to hit brother cause it's cute the way she does it and then punish him for striking back. As long as you've taught them to respect each other and reasonable authority within your home, they're much more likely to respect others and valid authority outside your home. That inoculates them from some of the most dangerous mistakes that put young people behind bars or in graves. Not to mention it makes your children happier in the meantime.
Notice what I was still leaving out? Probably not, since we're taught to discipline our dogs a lot kinder and friendlier than we do our kids. Seriously. Watch any show or video about training dogs. Notice that dog trainers consistently, darn near constantly praise the dog they're training. Any time that dog isn't doing something wrong, it's being petted and/or praised. Every time it does something right, it is praised and petted.
It got me to thinking.....
If consistent time outs for misbehavior are good for kids, what about consistent time-ins for good behavior? What if every morning your five year old got five minutes of your UNDIVIDED love, affection and enjoyment as soon as they woke up? And what if they got the same every night? And what if you started giving them five minutes of your UNDIVIDED attention every time they made a bid for your attention without misbehaving or expressing their request with a bad attitude?
If you only give your dog negative reinforcement when he misbehaves and almost never give him positive reinforcement when he's not misbehaving, there are many who'd say you are breaking that dog's heart and either you have to change your ways or you don't deserve the oh so precious gift of a pet. You can bet I'd be singing in that choir.
What got me building this long overdue wallpaper and rant is that I saw a woman in a music store the other day. Her daughter ran up and said, "Hey Mom, here's a cd you'd love, it by Celine Dion." I thought I was about to see a wonderful family moment. Instead her mother looked at her coldly and said, "Stop that! Stop SHOWING me things! Leave me alone, just go look for things for yourself, okay!"
What do you say at a moment like that? "Pardon me ma'am, but you just punished your daughter for an act of kindness. She was focusing on what would please you and you punished her for it. Not only was it cruel, it wasn't very smart either." I didn't know what to say. So I said nothing to her.
I wanted to walk by the daughter and whisper "Mothers are imperfect people just like everyone else and sometimes they're very imperfect, please, don't take it personally." But I felt I couldn't do that either.
To that mother in the store, the one who will almost certainly never read this page, I just want to say this, "You are breaking your daughter's heart, confusing her, teaching her that she's punished for kindness and thoughtfulness. Either change your ways or know that you don't deserve the oh so precious gift of that child."
To all the parents who don't think they've got the time to give their children appropriate time-ins..... I guarantee, a child disciplined with consistent time-outs for misbehavior and consistent time-ins for good behavior will take up less than half the time of the child who doesn't. And for anyone who wants to see what the parents of a child are teaching them works best to get attention..... look at what that child does more than anything else and.... Whoops! There it is!
Least that's this grandmother's meandering opinion.
"The mind, once stretched by an empowering idea,
can never fully shrink to its original dimensions."
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, paraphrased
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